Limbo cool, limbo fine

So... Richmond won. I am now a resident of Richmond. Yup. Here I am. And, it's ok. I think it is exactly what I needed. It is enough "new" coupled with enough "old" and just enough of something that is all my own. I came to this revelation this past weekend after a mini trip to DC for a friend's baby shower. It wasn't until AFTER the shower and on my drive home that I recognized what a great thing this is. I am so grateful that I came to Richmond. Mostly because it is a set of "training wheels" for me in the series of moves I have planned for my life.

Well, the reason I am so thankful for this set of "training wheels" is mostly because I have a strong support group that is within driving distance. I recently found out this weekend that my main ex lied to me and wasn't loyal to a promise he made. Right now I am in the "angry" mode and know that I will get to the "heartbroken" mode, but s-word, I am so dang angry right now. Fortunately, I have decided that my self-respect and his lack of adulthood abilities do not compel me to cry because gosh darn him, he is NOT worth my tears. I'm sorry, but when you f-up 3 times and directly lie to me 3 times, you lose. And if I keep forgiving, then what will happen 10 years down the line? Dishonesty and disloyalty are not attributes I want to encourage. Not at all.

So, here I am in Richmond, making life anew with a new job, a new apartment and a newfound freedom. My singlehood is an unfamiliar accessory that I have not worn in a while, but I found it when I unpacked. So it may be old and dusty, but it is a lovely accessory.

Limbo...

As I have previously mentioned- patience is not a strong virtue of mine. In fact, I am really bad at it, almost as bad as giving phone. One thing I really dislike is being forced to be patient. Right now I am in what I call "Life Limbo." I don't know where I will be 2 months from now and even more so, where I will be 5 months from now.

A little background- I am currently waiting on my assignment of where my new job-to-be will be. Originally, they wanted to place me in Richmond, RICHMOND, VIRGINIA. Needless to say, I was less than thrilled at the chance to move to Armpit, VA. So, I explained my situation to Regina (we are becoming fast biffles) and told her that I understand I signed a mobility agreement and that I have no issues moving, I just don't want to move to another location in Virginia. So, she tells me, "babe (yes, she really calls me babe), I'm going to see what I can do and talk to my supervisor." This was two weeks ago.

Don't worry, I am playing it cool and only calling every other day or so, 10-15 times a day if she doesn't answer. I'm not a pathetic, needy girl waiting around for some boy. :::cough, cough:::: Anyways, here I am just waiting in Life Limbo. Anxiously awaiting my future that shall be handed to me by Gina from West Virginia. Yup... That's my life.

Vacation

So... It's the holidays and I am mid-way through my month long spree of Love Actually and have fully induced myself on eating every stinking piece of candy that comes my way. Hello, 4 pounds, glad we are becoming fast friends! (Just kidding, kind of)

Well we had a holiday party that turned out to be a lot of fun. We introduced everyone to BBD (baby boobie dana), had some cake and lots of drinks. More importantly, 95% of my favorite people in the DC metro area merged together and made nice. I was very happy to have everyone meet each other and like each other. It was one of the many Christmas miracles of the season. (Others including: being approved for my new job (yay), my friend's boyfriend being reassigned stations (the East Coast instead of Alaska),  someone I do not like at my current job is leaving (yay again))

So... sorry for the big gaps in life. I will be back in January. I hope everyone has a blessed & lovely holiday! :)

Happiness.

It has been a long time since I have been happy. I can't quite pinpoint when I stopped being happy or even what caused it, but there was a good six months, maybe more, of unhappiness. And yesterday, Monday, November 30, 2009, I jumped into the car of my friend squealing with delight of my pink coat, the cold and even the rain. I decided that I like being happy, it's more fun.

For a short period of time, I liked blaming the city, the north, people around me, etc. Recently, I started blaming God. I was angry with Him, really angry. I even bordered on the line of being a bitter b-word. For those of you who know me, you know why. All along, I recognized that I wasn't meant to marry him. I know that, but I couldn't help but seek out reasons, wanting to know why and who and for what good could this possibly serve. I had (have) so many questions and want the answers right now. I just have to know that the one I am supposed to be with is coming as fast as he can and he will get here when he is supposed to.

This morning, I was reading my friend's blog labeled "Inspiration" under sites I visit, and her month long challenge for December is naturally, inspirational. She referenced the A-H site and the Laws of Attraction, Power, etc. I never read the books, but I did check them out at the local library while living in Norfolk and skimmed them.

Things to be grateful for:
* The toxic people in my life are gone
* I have a wonderful family and friends
* I have a job that I genuinely like and work with people I genuinely like
* I like who I am and who I am becoming

So, I'll try to remember these things and remind myself of it and think of new ones. I will not be participating in her month long challenge, but I will try to remember to be grateful and remember to be happy, because I am much more pleasant.

An old friend...

a little story from my journal, the names have been removed to protect their identity.

It was shocking at first, I don't know why, but it was. I should have expected that he would be there. I was standing in line waiting for a funnel cake and he walked to the front of the line and disappeared.

At that point I was in so much shock, I just ignored it. Then I looked back and we caught eyes, just for a brief moment. In that moment, I felt so sad, there was so much sadness in my heart to have seen someone that at one time I had been so close to, but now it has dwindled down to a simple awkward glance and a text that reads, "R u at the state game". What's worse is that even though the name was not attached to the number, I knew who it was and played the game of "who is this". I never received a response.

In that moment, the brief glance, I knew he felt the same as me. I knew he missed me too and that he longed for that friendship we used to have. I knew. I can only imagine that he wishes he had a friend that he didn't have to share with her.  This is just my speculation, but I know how she is and that's why the many e-mails and texts went unanswered.

Because of this brief meeting, it reminded me of how much I had longed for him to see me as more than a friend. I pined over him for a year. I was thrilled every time I received an e-mail from him while I was in Spain. It was unfair how much I wanted him. And the entire time, he spent it with her.

I waited 11 months. All for it to end one tearful, December night. I remember the look of pain that crossed his face. I knew it hurt him deeply when I told him that I couldn't be friends with him any longer. It was movie-esque: silent, cold, the single street lamp. It ended with him asking if he could hug me and I said "no".

That sealed our fate.

If "he" ever reads this... Just know that I miss you.