It was shocking at first, I don't know why, but it was. I should have expected that he would be there. I was standing in line waiting for a funnel cake and he walked to the front of the line and disappeared.If "he" ever reads this... Just know that I miss you.
At that point I was in so much shock, I just ignored it. Then I looked back and we caught eyes, just for a brief moment. In that moment, I felt so sad, there was so much sadness in my heart to have seen someone that at one time I had been so close to, but now it has dwindled down to a simple awkward glance and a text that reads, "R u at the state game". What's worse is that even though the name was not attached to the number, I knew who it was and played the game of "who is this". I never received a response.
In that moment, the brief glance, I knew he felt the same as me. I knew he missed me too and that he longed for that friendship we used to have. I knew. I can only imagine that he wishes he had a friend that he didn't have to share with her. This is just my speculation, but I know how she is and that's why the many e-mails and texts went unanswered.
Because of this brief meeting, it reminded me of how much I had longed for him to see me as more than a friend. I pined over him for a year. I was thrilled every time I received an e-mail from him while I was in Spain. It was unfair how much I wanted him. And the entire time, he spent it with her.
I waited 11 months. All for it to end one tearful, December night. I remember the look of pain that crossed his face. I knew it hurt him deeply when I told him that I couldn't be friends with him any longer. It was movie-esque: silent, cold, the single street lamp. It ended with him asking if he could hug me and I said "no".
That sealed our fate.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
An old friend...
a little story from my journal, the names have been removed to protect their identity.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Making lists
For those of you who know me well, you are familiar with my love of making lists. I like them and I especially like making "to-do" lists because I delight in the satisfaction of getting to cross things off of those lists. I make lists for everything. From planning an event, to items I need for something, to a list of qualities I want in a man, I have a list for everything. The beauty of making lists is that they keep me in line. For example, I previously stated that I have a list of qualities I want in a man. This list is really important for me on several levels. First, I have taken experience from past relationships to make me really think about what is important to me and what I hope to have in a significant other. Second, I will not lie to you, I am a hopeless romantic. This list keeps me in line and reminds me of what is important and not to just fall "for anyone". He has to be pretty darn great for me to consider as a significant other. And for those of you who think I shouldn't leave my feelings to fit into a list, don't worry, I don't. I absolutely ensure that at the end of the day, the man must make my heart happy and give me all those warm and fuzzies.
However, this is not what this post is about. This post is about my list of 32. In case you weren't aware, I went to Virginia Tech. My most dreaded question from any stranger is, "were you there when the shooting happened". Honestly? Hi, I've known you all of 4.2 seconds and this is the first question you ask me? When I provide a curt yes (most people don't get the point is to not ask anymore questions), it is then followed up with a secondary question of, "did you know someone". At this point, I either ignore the question, provide a "look" or answer with "yes and if this is all you want to know, then we can end this conversation now". This isn't reality TV; I don't need to bare all my feelings in some confessional, i.e., the public or you. This is a very personal event and it is one I do not take lightly. It is single-handedly the only event that if I think about it for too long, it will bring me to tears, at any given time. So in order for me to save face and not cry all the time, I try not to answer these types of questions or encourage this type of behavior from people I meet. If I want to share my feelings or thoughts on the event, I will let you know and I will come talk to you.
So with all that being said, I will let you in on the inspiration that day provided me. It's a list for 32. It started circulating on April 15, 2009, via facebook notes. I have read many and taken a few months to think of my own. I like the idea. It's simple, everyone can participate and it embraces my love of list making.
My list for 32 (in no particular order)
1) I will move back overseas
2) I will fall into a true, deep, romantic, soul-shaking love
3) I will put myself out there
4) I will run a half-marathon
5) I will not settle
6) I will never give up on my dreams
7) I will remember to be kind
8) I will try to be patient
9) I will visit all 50 states
10) I will visit all 7 continents
11) I will laugh as often as possible
12) I will have a family
13) I will go to the Olympic Games
14) I will learn to speak Tagalog fluently (to a point where I can school my cousins!) and about my Filipina heritage
15) I will always dedicate some time living up to "Ut Prosim" (that I may serve)
16) I will enjoy life and live it like an adventure
17) I will change someone's life
18) I will do something scary everyday
19) I will learn how to sail a boat or fly a plane, maybe both!
20) I will stay compassionate
21) I will visit as many countries as possible (31 and counting!)
22) I will remember to be humble and try not to judge others because in the end, my opinion means nothing.
23) I will be grateful for all the opportunities and know that I, alone, did not accomplish it
24) I will continue to move forward while always keeping 32 in my heart and on my mind
25) I will not regret things, I will learn to understand that everything is a learning experience
26) I will follow my heart
27) I will like people first
28) I will never stop the learning process
29) I will live in Colorado
30) I will make an effort to go to Virginia Tech at least once a year and go to all of my class reunions
31) I will get a dog
32) I will be happy
However, this is not what this post is about. This post is about my list of 32. In case you weren't aware, I went to Virginia Tech. My most dreaded question from any stranger is, "were you there when the shooting happened". Honestly? Hi, I've known you all of 4.2 seconds and this is the first question you ask me? When I provide a curt yes (most people don't get the point is to not ask anymore questions), it is then followed up with a secondary question of, "did you know someone". At this point, I either ignore the question, provide a "look" or answer with "yes and if this is all you want to know, then we can end this conversation now". This isn't reality TV; I don't need to bare all my feelings in some confessional, i.e., the public or you. This is a very personal event and it is one I do not take lightly. It is single-handedly the only event that if I think about it for too long, it will bring me to tears, at any given time. So in order for me to save face and not cry all the time, I try not to answer these types of questions or encourage this type of behavior from people I meet. If I want to share my feelings or thoughts on the event, I will let you know and I will come talk to you.
So with all that being said, I will let you in on the inspiration that day provided me. It's a list for 32. It started circulating on April 15, 2009, via facebook notes. I have read many and taken a few months to think of my own. I like the idea. It's simple, everyone can participate and it embraces my love of list making.
My list for 32 (in no particular order)
1) I will move back overseas
2) I will fall into a true, deep, romantic, soul-shaking love
3) I will put myself out there
4) I will run a half-marathon
5) I will not settle
6) I will never give up on my dreams
7) I will remember to be kind
8) I will try to be patient
9) I will visit all 50 states
10) I will visit all 7 continents
11) I will laugh as often as possible
12) I will have a family
13) I will go to the Olympic Games
14) I will learn to speak Tagalog fluently (to a point where I can school my cousins!) and about my Filipina heritage
15) I will always dedicate some time living up to "Ut Prosim" (that I may serve)
16) I will enjoy life and live it like an adventure
17) I will change someone's life
18) I will do something scary everyday
19) I will learn how to sail a boat or fly a plane, maybe both!
20) I will stay compassionate
21) I will visit as many countries as possible (31 and counting!)
22) I will remember to be humble and try not to judge others because in the end, my opinion means nothing.
23) I will be grateful for all the opportunities and know that I, alone, did not accomplish it
24) I will continue to move forward while always keeping 32 in my heart and on my mind
25) I will not regret things, I will learn to understand that everything is a learning experience
26) I will follow my heart
27) I will like people first
28) I will never stop the learning process
29) I will live in Colorado
30) I will make an effort to go to Virginia Tech at least once a year and go to all of my class reunions
31) I will get a dog
32) I will be happy
Monday, October 19, 2009
Classy v. Trashy
I am constantly referred to as the "classy" one. And I am really sick of it. Sometimes I really want to not have to "rise above things". Maybe I just want to punch someone in the face, spread juicy gossip or tell someone how it really is, but no. That is not how I allowed to function, I am forced to be concerned about my reputation and how I am perceived by society.
Damn you, society and my proper upbringing. Damn those ignorant people that exist in my life.
Damn you, society and my proper upbringing. Damn those ignorant people that exist in my life.
Fun news
I'm not going to lie. World news is kind of boring me. All we talk about is "Iran this, Iran that". For being a country that's on the "outs" with most of the world, they sure are making headlines here in the states. Basically, we are giving the naughty kid attention which just makes them want more. Bah! I think this quote exemplifies how I feel, "Obama's foreign policy might be summed up as 'speak timidly and don't carry a stick.(The Week, Vol. 9, Issue 433, Pg. 4)'"
So because I am really frustrated with the current news, I am going to give you some amusing news. It's not important, just fun. A man in England picked up a metal detector to go "treasure hunting" since he was jobless and has collected himself over 1,500 items. He states that when people see him they make fun of him. Too bad suckers, the lot is worth more than $1.6 million dollars and he will get half of it. Maybe I should go into treasure hunting.
So because I am really frustrated with the current news, I am going to give you some amusing news. It's not important, just fun. A man in England picked up a metal detector to go "treasure hunting" since he was jobless and has collected himself over 1,500 items. He states that when people see him they make fun of him. Too bad suckers, the lot is worth more than $1.6 million dollars and he will get half of it. Maybe I should go into treasure hunting.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Faking virginity.
Issues like this really make me concerned about the Middle Eastern world. To believe that there is such a need for this that a company actually exists to produce it, is well, absurd. Don't get me wrong, I support this because I have had just enough friends who have been "disowned" by their fathers for doing things like dating a boy, unchaperoned visits with boys, etc., to know that a device like this can save lives.
The real issue at hand for me is the existence of such a double standard in the world. One of my dear friends always tells me, "you may act like a feminist, but deep down, you are too conservative" and this is true, until things like this. My dad always raised me to believe that I can do anything I want, regardless of gender. Then I hit the real world and discovered that while I might be a smart, well-educated female, a male contender will typically have an edge for being male. I hate double standards, I hate that I have to play the role of proper, young lady because it would tarnish my reputation, but a male can do anything he wants as long as he acts a proper way at a certain time. Nothing ever seems to tarnish their reputation. It's so frustrating!
And this double standard is no different. Men can have sex all they want before marriage, but God forbid a woman has sex before marriage; it will be the end of her life. So... snaps to the company for providing fake virginities to an all too real double standard & saving lives in the process.
The real issue at hand for me is the existence of such a double standard in the world. One of my dear friends always tells me, "you may act like a feminist, but deep down, you are too conservative" and this is true, until things like this. My dad always raised me to believe that I can do anything I want, regardless of gender. Then I hit the real world and discovered that while I might be a smart, well-educated female, a male contender will typically have an edge for being male. I hate double standards, I hate that I have to play the role of proper, young lady because it would tarnish my reputation, but a male can do anything he wants as long as he acts a proper way at a certain time. Nothing ever seems to tarnish their reputation. It's so frustrating!
And this double standard is no different. Men can have sex all they want before marriage, but God forbid a woman has sex before marriage; it will be the end of her life. So... snaps to the company for providing fake virginities to an all too real double standard & saving lives in the process.
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